The mechanism of relationship, or How to find yourself and not get lost anymore
The end of the year is a great time to put things in order in every sense of the word: not only in closets and in the workplace but also in thoughts, relationships, and business. It has long been proven that such activities, even at the level of “washing the floors of the house and putting things in their places,” positively affect our psycho-emotional background and the atmosphere in general.
But what if the closet and paper clips are all in place, and you can’t get away from the feeling of disorder and conflicts born of this deep feeling? It’s as if it’s not coming out to take its place in life: to get a higher position at work, status in society, to reach a new level of relations, to achieve better. The mentioned conflicts can be with parents, bosses, partners, including sexual ones. How can they be solved by putting things in order, and most importantly, what to understand? Finally, what does order have to do with the conflict at all?
You have read more than once that any external conflict is a reflection of an internal one, and I explained in detail why this happens. Depending on what kind of work you are aiming at (long-term or short-term program) and what competencies your psychologist has, the issue of conflict can be resolved in different ways.
Over the past few years, problem-solving systemic approaches have been gaining acceptance in psychotherapy communities. Yes, of course, in the end, we will always run into the personality itself. At the same time, in such a vector of work, you can in a short time see the root of the problem and the options for its solution, while long-term work on oneself remains on the responsibility and “ripening” of the client, if he is not ready yet to it Sometimes it’s important to start somewhere!
I want to share with you one of these “quick fix” systems. The basis of the approach is “ordering” your main life roles and living. This technique has shown efficiency in dealing with external and internal conflicts, creating a strategy for the development of business systems and management, meeting requests for the overall development of the personality and personality systems, improving the quality of life, and reaching a new level of development.
Welcome to the world of Hierarchy and Roles!
The importance of systems in our life is great – everything in the world is either subordinated to some already existing systems, or forms them, being, in turn, also a system, but only system-forming.
Even from the school curriculum, we learn that any system is subject to specific rules and laws that ensure its operation. We also know from life and historical experience that going against the system is difficult and not always safe. In this case, the choice – for example, whether to belong to the system and if so, which one, or to organise your own structure – always remains with us.
This phenomenon is reflected in everything that surrounds us – whether we are talking about the human living structure as a system of work of millions of cells and organs or the functioning of specific mechanisms; and all spiritual practices and teachings are devoted to the order and rules of the work of our Universe. The system’s essence invariably lies in an exact order, distribution of responsibilities, and strict adherence to the hierarchy.
If we insert the batteries into the TV remote control in the wrong order, it will not work; if we swap the clockwork’s main wheel systems, the clock will be faulty. At the same time, everything can look digestible from the outside – the watch is beautiful, shiny, but does not show the time – it does not fulfill its main function.
The analogy can be seen in the family, if the roles in it are confused and the hierarchical ladder is destroyed. If the roles of “mom” and “dad” or “parent” and “child” are reversed in the family system, a failure will occur in it, the consequence of which may be its complete disintegration. For example, parents begin to demand total attention and support from their children – and instead of continuing the race, children take responsibility for their ancestors, blocking their own vector of development. When working with such “children”, the processes associated with the parents’ manipulatively instilled feelings of guilt and duty always come up. It is worth considering that such manipulations and sincere respect for the parent, which he forms in the child with his attitude and actions, are different things.
We can also observe the importance of hierarchy in different areas of life. We are at a certain level of our family system’s hierarchical ladder from birth, being a junior link to parents, grandparents, and older sisters and brothers. As soon as we try to take the wrong place, violating the hierarchy, there is a failure in the overall system.
Failures manifest in the form of confrontations, latent or open conflicts, the inability to create a family of their own, health problems, lack of development in the profession, business, and receiving money. Remember: children are not responsible for the lives of their parents! Likewise, they don’t have to live up to their hopes, expectations, or “unfulfilled dreams.” Of course, there are exceptions in the aspect of responsibility; for example, a parent was left alone (without a partner) either due to a severe illness or due to his age cannot ensure himself a decent life.
Think: when in heated arguments you shout or “keep quiet loudly” to your moms and dads that you are “already an adult and want to live the way you want and to do what you think is necessary about yourself and your children “- what are you really shouting about? Maybe about the fact that you vehemently do not accept the life of your parents with its way of life and values, thereby moving yourself above their experience, and most importantly, wanting to jump over that level of the hierarchy (one of the subconscious processes)? Yes, any dispute or attempt to prove, for example, one’s independence is a dispute and proof, first of all, to oneself. We all come from childhood, but at the same time it is not at all necessary to sit in it for years – with our hands, in the present time, it is possible to solve many issues.
As far as parenting is concerned, its primary function is to keep children safe and pass on skills. The manifestation of overprotection in the future is a danger from which the parent must also protect his child! And at the same time, protect the junior links from their demands, whims, and accusations: such manifestations are nothing more than a parent’s personal childhood story and dissatisfaction with oneself. As a rule, it has little to do with the child.
Parenting is challenging because it ideally builds on wisdom and experience that generate acceptance, approval, and encouragement. Parenting, criticism, and devaluation are another matter entirely. But increased anxiety usually speaks of the parent’s fears, but this does not mean that they need to be instilling in your child.
And whose voice do your long-standing fears speak in you? I guarantee you that as soon as with your parents, you become a child for them, and with your children – a parent, more than 50% of the negativity will evaporate. Important: considering the filling of the child’s role, I am not talking about the development of infantilism and parents’ requirement to please your desires. Take your place in the system according to the hierarchy and the responsibility corresponding to this level.
Note that the resolution of conflicts at the level of “who will call first after a quarrel” is the prerogative of the “parent” role. It’s simple: if you are offended by your child, then automatically, you fall into this role – accordingly, losing your parental position. An adult forms the child’s skill to engage in dialogue, to speak, and to be able to forgive and accept. The difficulty arises when an adult has not formed it – and this is already a good topic for personal work with a specialist.
In such a systematic approach, special attention is paying to work in the child-parent vector since all other life and realization areas are its derivatives. The result and efficiency of this work are fantastic! As the relationships between people and partners change, the quality of life and realisation often exceed expectations.
And the main advantage of this approach is its availability. You can right now:
- Take and draw your family system on a piece of paper, outlining roles, hierarchy, and areas of responsibility in it.
- Place yourself in this picture according to your position to all participants in the system. See which links have a “program crash” or where you are out of place.
- Consider from this point of view one of the conflict situations. Whose place in the system are you “moving out” on?
- Take your rightful place in your life. Develop and enjoy success with the support of your family, passing on the joy of life to your children!
Find yourself, and don’t get lost anymore!
Take care of yourself and your time. Be healthy!
Anna Danilova – psychologist, psychotherapist